If only the NCAA national championship could be symbolized by the letter ‘H.’

Then I could finally talk about ‘H’ to the Izzo – Tom Izzo that is.

I’m looking for Michigan State to win it all this weekend . Not only does he have a balanced squad with experience, chemistry, underdog status, and ‘Magic-al history,’ they got one other thing going for them.

The Spartans fulfilled a childhood dream of mine by winning a double-overtime game. Not that I was really excited by the intensity of the game. It’s just that double-overtime games are so rare, and ever since I was a kid, my three brothers and I would always get excited when DOT would appear next to the box score.

We’d get even more excited by games that went into triple overtime. TOT… if you will.

Anyway, since I make my selection with no real logical basis it’s only fair that I justify why I pick the Spartans to take Izzo to the hizouse.

Besides the last time I tried logic, I had Kansas not choking against Bucknell.

So what reasons can I offer to assure you that Paul Davis’ team will triumph over the others?

Let’s start with the Tar Heels. Now obviously Roy Williams has done relatively well in the Big Dance but he’s never been able to win it all. And there’s no reason he could do it with this squad if he couldn’t do it with Kirk Hinrich, Nick Collison, Keith Langford and Aaron Miles.

But maybe more telling is the fluke of Sean May. Not that he’s not a great player, but I’m sure he won’t be peaking for at least another month. Maybe if his name was Sean April, I’d give him some props, but as of now, how much of a threat can he really be?

And what about Illinois, the other one-seed in the Final Four? Well, before we even get into basketball, let’s make sure that everyone docks them points for having that ridiculously uncreative name – The University of Illinois Fighting Illini.

Now that that’s settled, let’s be serious about their chances. Here’s how I look at it.

Even though I like Jack Ingram, the San Antonio native, I really doubt that God would let a team win whose star player’s name is Dee Brown. Honestly, every time his name’s brought up, there are only two things that anyone thinks about: Reebok Pumps and the arm-over-the-eyes-but-still-peeking dunk in the 1991 NBA Slam Dunk Contest. An entire NBA career defined in a single night (not to mention his follow-up career as head coach for the WNBA’s San Antonio Silver Stars).

If you have faith in a compassionate God, you can’t really believe that God would allow Dee Brown to win.

And then we come to Louisville. It’s actually kind of sad because I really do like their style of play. They’re a quick and happening team, not to mention a four-seed (even though they definitely deserved higher). And it was fun watching them tear up Georgia Tech, Washington, and then pull off that thriller over West Virginia. And Rick Pitino taking a third team to the Final Four? Ridiculous.

But I’m positive that the Cardinals won’t be able to last another week listening to their assistant coach, Reggie Theus. He might have played 13 seasons in the NBA, and his color commentating wasn’t entirely terrible. But for those of ya’ll that have ever seen that show he used to be on, “Hang Time,” then you know what I’m talking about when I say that he has to be causing some type of suicidal tendencies up in the Cardinals.

At least they’re playing at home in St. Louis so nobody has to share a hotel room with him. But yeah, Reggie Theus is the sole reason why Louisville doesn’t stand a chance in the Final Four.

As you can see, every team in the tournament has issues. Except for the Spartans. Not only are they flawless, they also beat out a top title contender in the Blue Devils.

While I’m usually a Duke fan (they were the national champions in my bracket), I think it’s fair punishment for those damn commercials on CBS with Coach Krzyzewski’s mug all over my TV screen.

Good work MSU.

I’m pregnant.

April fools.

I’m not really pregnant.

Dang that was a good one. My friends say that I’m the master of this April Fool’s day business. 

And no, my claim to having friends isn’t another trick. They really say that. 

So since I’m the master (even though I might look more like a genie), I figured I should give you rookies a few tips on how to avoid some serious backfires in common pranks – some of the dumbest mistakes I've ever made. 

Like this one year in high school when I wanted to pull a prank on my parents and toilet papered the entire yard…. Forgetting that I lived there too.

Guess who did the cleaning up.

April fools.

You don’t really have to guess.

Or like last year, when I posted a sign on the door of one of my classes claiming it was canceled. It was pretty sweet watching everyone get excited and leave, and I knew I should have left soon thereafter. But of course, being the nerd that I am, I thought I’d suck up to the professor by walking in and pretending to be innocent.

I was like, “I guess no one showed up because of that free concert downtown, but I wouldn’t miss your class for the world.”

And of course, my professor thought I was serious and thought that it would only be fair if she conducted class for my benefit.

Some serious backfirage right thur. 

April fools.

Backfirage isn’t a real word.

Then there was that one time in high school when I froze a can of shaving cream and put it in my math teacher’s bottom desk drawer to thaw.

Right on top of the graphing calculators.

I attempted another amazingly unsuccessful trick a couple years ago. The old “wrap and crap trick.” I took a roll of Saran Wrap and made a tight, practically invisible layer of it over the toilet bowl in my bathroom. You know, trying to get my suitemates on April Fool’s Day. Of course, I forgot about it before they even used the john and had it backfire in more way than one … if you know what I mean.

Probably the best April fools backfire known to mankind was the trick I played a few years ago, the night after watching “The Ring” with some of my friends. My genius idea was to go into this sleeping girl’s room, turn the TV to a static-ish channel, and let my hair down. I heard her scream and I whispered “Seven days.”

It was funny until she launched her alarm clock at me that hit me in the back of the head so hard that my eye popped out that there was eye juice everywhere and I slipped on it and hit the ground so hard that I died.

April fools.

I’ve never died before.

Dang I’m good.

this didn't get published in the paper this week so i thought i'd offer a sneak preview

The other day, someone asked me that if combining a lion and a tiger results in a liger, what would happen if I mixed an elephant and rhino.

I was like, “Elephino.”

Hell if I know.

But after thinking about it for a little longer than I probably should have, I realized another thing that would result in the crossbreeding.

A perfect candidate for Trinity’s new mascot.

Honestly, I’m kind of feeling like tigers are a little played out right now … stripes were so three months ago. And while ligers are sweet, I think we should be at least somewhat original. I mean, if you need to publicly reference Napoleon Dynamite because you’re not funny enough to get laughs on your own, that’s kind of pathetic.

Oh wait. That’s me.

Anyway, some people suggested that a cheetah might be a good prospect, but apparently the Honor Council’s already busy.

And though seals are pretty unique animals, I have a feeling that we’d get walked all over.

Besides, who would ever mess with an elephino?

No one would even know where to start.

On top of that, think how cool our new cheers would be (not that we really have any right now). But at sports games, we could make chants with the few sweet words that rhyme with “elephino” – like albino and wino.

After running the idea by some of my now former friends, I found out that some people might argue that creating an elephino would be like a biological nightmare.

I was like, “Don’t worry about it.”

They were like, “Okay.”

So that was that.

Then they started arguing about what shade of gray our elephino would be, but frankly speaking, I’m much smarter than all of my friends.

I thought of a more serious problem.

My biggest fear is that students from other schools, in strong rages of jealousy, might come to Trinity, take Mr. Elephino’s trunk, pull it back and connect it to the horns on his head.

(If this, as I suspect, is the first time that you mentally pictured an elephino, try imagining what type of ears it could have.)

In conclusion, I would like to remind you that tigers (and ligers) are out. Elephinos are in.

Besides, elephinos are probably the only animals that could beat the mixture of bulldogs and Shih Tzus.

ps... in response to the chat masala conversations...

if there was one state that i would say 'is the place to be,' wisconsin might rank as 42nd on that list, only ahead of montana, idaho,  arkansas, iowa, maine, the dakotas, and wyoming.

note that west virginia and delaware still beat you.

okbye